Your relationship with your partner is a crucial part of who you are and how you function every single day.
When it’s working…When the two of you are in sync with each other and taking care of each other’s needs, nothing else makes you feel quite so grounded and secure. It’s the greatest feeling. When your relationship is at its best, you are at your best.
When your relationship’s not working though…When you’re distant from each other; when there’s coldness, anger or hurt, it feels like the ground beneath your feet is suddenly starting to shake. It can be disorienting, lonely, and maybe even scary.
The power your intimate relationship holds in your life is a very real thing. In fact, you’re made for this kind of connection. You’re wired for it. The science in this area is compelling, and it points toward the idea that a secure love connection with someone we choose fulfills one of our most essential needs in life.
I believe that the defining quality of your relationship is the underlying bond, or attachment, between you and your partner. This bond is like an invisible bungee cord between the two of you. It carries signals back and forth between you, messages that help you answer critical questions about your partner. Questions like:
- Will you be there for me when I struggle? Can I reach you?
- Can I trust you with my private thoughts and feelings? Are you safe?
- Do you really love me?
- Can we get through this?
The bungee cord can be severely damaged in a moment, or it can be neglected and grow frayed and weaker over time. When it’s at risk of breaking, then the answer to these questions might be “No.” From this place, your relationship will stumble and falter in consistent ways. The phrase, “hanging on by a thread,” doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence for couples, but I understand that’s what it feels like at times.
When the bungee cord is strong and secure however, the answer to the above questions is “YES!” And it’s from this place that, together, you can find solutions to all the challenges you face, and give you a solid foundation to explore a fulfilling life together.
A relationship that’s healthy, long-lasting, fun, playful, secure, and trusting. This is the relationship you’ve always wanted, and it is within reach.
So now you understand the main goal of couples therapy with me – to repair and strengthen the connecting bond which exists between you and your partner. This bond will serve as the “glasses” through which all of your specific relationship concerns are viewed.
Want to learn how to better communicate? Let’s talk safe connection.
Want to get better at managing conflicts and arguments? Let’s talk safe connection.
Want to have a more fulfilling sex life? You better believe we’re talking safe connection!
And here’s the great news: there is a particular therapy approach that is based around these ideas, and its effectiveness as a couples therapy model has been demonstrated by over 30 years of peer-reviewed clinical research.
Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, was first developed in the mid-1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson. If you’re interested to learn more about the science and clinical research behind EFT, I highly recommend Dr. Johnson’s book, LOVE SENSE: THE REVOLUTIONARY NEW SCIENCE OF ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS.
If you’re a couple looking to start putting some of these ideas into practice, I also highly recommend Dr. Johnson’s book, HOLD ME TIGHT: SEVEN CONVERSATIONS FOR A LIFETIME OF LOVE.